MAC meet reflections

So the big meet is over.  A lot of exciting things happened, none of which were to me personally, but nonetheless it was inspiring to watch.  My teammate had the meet of her LIFE, and it was amazing to watch it all unfold.  She is just a bundle of positive energy, and though at times she seems a little scared of doing well, she is made for it.  She has really burst out on the scene this year and her aggressiveness and determination is something I only wish I could have.  Let’s just say I’m pretty jealous at how well she handled all the pressure and even managed to exceed any expectations she and others had of her! Way to go!

My race lacked a little. Okay, a lot. I honestly was really, really excited to get the chance to run the 5k at the conference meet after having a great race at All-Ohio.  I felt so strong and determined, and though I felt that I had some room to improve in terms of believing in myself and letting it all out there, I was really confident I could make huge improvements in my 5k.  But lately my mind just lets doubt take over.  It’s almost like I expect things to go poorly and I expect my body to fail me.  It’s not like it hasn’t happened before.  And having the two worst workouts of the season occur the two weeks before the meet didn’t help.  I’m not completely sure that it was my iron levels hitting lows that made me feel the way I did, or if it was just stress and a bad day, but it had a larger effect on me then I thought it would.  It just left yet another image in my head of what it felt like to “die” while running, and that is not something I have been able to forget.  I spent my entire junior year feeling like I couldn’t control what I was doing while running; my mind wanted to be aggressive and go get ‘em, but my body just fizzled out.  I guess the feeling of falling back and just suffering the rest of the way through has really had an impact on my racing mentality, because for whatever reason when the rest of the 5kers took off in the beginning of the race, I was unwilling to follow suit.  I just found myself holding back, running at a pace that was comfortable for me, that I knew I could keep up for the entire distance w/o dying.  What was I thinking? It was the freaking MAC MEET! I had nothing to lose! There was no reason to run that far behind everyone just so I could feel strong the whole way. I am WAY STRONGER than I think. I have the ability to keep a pace up even when it seems impossible to hold, yet I always doubt my strength.  So what if a 5:35 pace would have felt a little crazy? I ran that pace for my 3k two weeks earlier and felt like I could have kept going and pushing for another mile atleast.  Why then wasn’t I willing to get out there and push it? I was so determined to run a smart race that I forgot to even be competitive.  And that is what is eating me alive.  All those girls out there this weekend putting it out there, trying to win, trying to make great things happen.  I almost had a breakdown right there in the team camp area while watching the Saturday races, because I saw how hard everyone was running.  I used to be that aggressive.  A lot has happened since those Sophomore days of my career.  I took it for granted that I could be a top runner then, and now I just feel sad and frustrated when I watch all those girls I used to be running with miles ahead of me.  I just can’t believe that I made it all the way back to MACs and didn’t even lay it all out there.  I guess I should give myself some credit.  I have had my fair share of failures and reasons to have doubt.  I think having a couple bad weeks leading up to the meet just made it too hard for me to overcome my doubts, but I wish it hadn’t.  I had a great opportunity and I didn’t take it.  Now I have to sit here and wait a whole month until outdoor begins in hopes that I will get a chance for revenge.  And the 10k is not something to take lightly.  I am going to HAVE TO BE TOUGH to run that event. No reason to be stupid and hold back, though I can already imagine now that the temptation will be large to “race smart” and hold back.  Oy, I miss the days of freshman innocence when I just went with the flow and surprised myself at how fast I really was. 

So here I am, as always, with the feeling of sadness and depression yet again.  I WANT to be someone that helps to contribute to the team score, and I still have the dream to one day score again at MACs.  One more season, one more chance.  Part of me just wants this whole college running thing to be over so I can quite always feeling so disappointed in myself.  But another part of me wants to see just how far I can go this year.  I have the ability, it just takes some cooperation from my mind and body and I think things will start to improve drastically.  For now, I will keep working hard and dreaming of the future.  I don’t want to lose hope. I want to have that feeling that I did something truly special and I want THAT to be the image I am left with, not this feeling of anger and regret.  I WILL KEEP GOING.